I have realized recently, that I have a fear of death. Not for myself really, but for the people around me. The more I care for someone, the more I seem to think about the worst possible ways to lose them. It makes me clingy sometimes, it makes me sad, and it really is just unhealthy. The topic of death does not scare me-- when it is about something far removed from me. Stories of the atrocities that exist in this world don't illicit an emotional response from me, however up close and personal, I can see the details and they scare me. Those eyes that stare into nothing and yet pierce through me simultaneously, the unnatural contortions and the lost consciousness... Where does it fade, as the chemicals stray from their normal routes and the beating mechanics stop? Is there a fine line, a last thought granted, or is it a gradient of unawareness? It makes me feel insurmountably weak when I think of coping with the loss of a loved one (my beloved dogs, for example). People deal with loss all of the time, and yet I fear it so greatly that I continuously push it to the back of my mind, I refuse to think about it. And yet it is still there, lurking in the shadows of my mind and there is no way to just get rid of it. Its just another way I bottle up my emotions, and the weight of these hidden emotions are crushing. As overused as this quote may be, I find it fitting at the moment:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."- FDR
To put it simply, I must not fear, especially because of my interest in veterinary medicine. Those in that career deal with tragedy on a daily basis. I must clarify, of course, that I do not think of myself as weak for having emotions and caring about the longevity of the animals and humans around me, I just think that I must learn a new way to deal with my emotions so that I may not be weak in the future. I should really learn from my dogs, and Doom, and learn not to worry
about what could happen, and instead enjoy what I have. (Like spring
break!)
Death is just an inevitability, a recycling back into the universe which birthed us, from womb to earth to molten hot star. There, not so scary now, is it?
I know what you mean, I fear the death of my loved ones. I realized too late that for years I had been pushing my dear Mikey away because I knew one day soon he would leave me. We weren't as close as I wish we were. I pushed him away because I feared the loss of losing a best friend. I feel myself starting to do this as Shiloh gets visibly old and have to stop myself. I don't necessarily fear my own death because I know my mom and friends know what I want for my animals, however I F-ing don't want to die. I think I can do a lot of good in the world, change minds and save a lot of furry lives. I don't want to be ended before I am able to do this. I think I am not afraid of unexpected death because it has never happened to me before, but I'm sure there will be a time that I will feel and fear that too.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I laughed at "however I F-ing don't want to die" hahahahah. I'm glad you understand how I feel. <3
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