Thursday, October 20, 2011

Feeling like I have no release...

Feelin' like a freak on a leash...
I'm learning balance, and sacrifice. Learning to be stretched and pulled in a million different directions. While I look to one aspect, five others scream for attention.
You wanna see the light?
I'm not suffering, don't mistake this as a cry of agony. I fought the pulling at first, but I learned. Go with it, get ahead of the wave, if possible. I don't suffer.
Feelin' like I have no release...
But others are, Feivel & Titus, constant companions, taken for granted? The danger is real. And those closest to me, they see what I do, some even are in the same boat, but we're all alone. How deep will my sacrifice run? I suppose I'm still in the shock of it all, inoculated into a new medium, trying to get my bearings. I can't wait for the day I won't have to struggle, catch my breath and fall into it again. Floating is nice, flying is better.
So do I...
Though Doom(boyfriend) is always there for me. Even though he might not be able to see how deep into it I am. A small comfort, shadowed by guilt for never being home, for hardly being able to pause for a movie.
How many times have I felt diseased?
Focus, focus. How can I be sure of a positive outcome? The ability to enjoy everything now, despite the difficulty. Feel the light. Its okay. Learn, trip, fall, get up, etc., etc.
You wanna see the light?
I can't paint, I can hardly read for fun. My free time is spent in the library, my sleep is limited. I'm never home. I feel guilty for never. just. chilling. But I shouldn't. And that's okay. 
Nothing in my life is free, is free.

This is just a random rant regurgitation of thoughts, the italicized lyrics are from Korn's "Freak on a leash". I'll admit, I'm emotional. It helps. If this is all I can do to find release, so be it. These are all my deepest worries right now, and normally I try not to think about them. Releeease. It was most likely spurred by the fact that now I've started to do other things in addition to just school, volunteering and clubs. It eats up so much time. I have to adjust. This is adjustment. Sorry if these thoughts are scattered, I'm scattered lately. I'll pick up the pieces soon enough.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Dreams, Nightmares and Screaming

Dreaming of organic chemistry isn't fun. But it happened. That's how I know shits getting serious. It's almost nightmare-esque, the way the mechanisms didn't make sense, the way I couldn't figure them out. Try, try again.

On a lighter note: Fright Dome. Was. Awesome. Screamed my freaking throat out. Getting chased by monsters with chainsaws? Absolutely terrifying, but man was it fun. I love halloween. =3 Didn't ride the rides, but I went to 3 of the haunted houses. My boyfriend did the haunted houses and the rides. I was proud of him. >~<

So what's scarier, organic chemistry or zombies?

Monday, October 3, 2011

That (guilty)(elated) Feeling

I just found out I got over 100 percent on my first microbiology exam. And its so strange, how scared we are in college to be happy about such things. As if we're superstitious that the demons might come to snatch our achievements away. How fragile are our grades, if we celebrate them? I love biology, and I'm happy. How strange, suppressed elation...