Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Who am I?

Who am I, you may be wondering, this Bewildermunster, with her incessant babble and endless flow of useless pictures and art? (or am I wondering who I am?) I'm not who I've always been, and I don't find it unreasonable to be someone else after twenty years on this planet. I still love animals, and nature, that has never changed, but now that love has grown and melded with new loves for science and art and love. I am not so concerned with negativity, and argumentation, and opinions. 'To each his own,' I think, and sometimes say, now. Not that I'm a bubbly personality, I can't deny my introverted nature. But those closest to me see how happy and crazy I can be. Especially Doom, my other half, my partner throughout this latest section of my life, and hopefully throughout the rest of it. I have a goal, that seems so distant and difficult that sometimes I feel I might just quake with fear, and sometimes so attainable I want to grab at it like a child at a candy store. I want this goal more than (almost) anything. I want to be a veterinarian. I go to school, and love the biology courses I take, but I at least try to see the beauty in other subjects as well (as mind-numbingly hard as organic chemistry and math are.) I live in the desert, and though it sometimes swallows me up, there are worse places to be. Like places where I can't have my dogs, or Doom.
Are these words not enough to explain who I am? Let me reveal to you my treasures:
My bookshelf, jam packed with games and movies and horse figurines, jewelry and photos, remnants of my past, and more current belongings as well. 

 (part of) my wall, a map of the world cause why not?, some art, a calendar, my bulletin board with random things. Yes, my walls are pink, a decision I now (kinda) regret.
 A journal I have kept for a few years. I fill it with strange dreams that I have, I find it entertaining, and it helps me forget nightmares, like extracting them from my brain and locking them in a notebook.
 Feivel, sweet goofy Feivel, who might just be as in love with Doom as I am. My second dog, my baby.

Titus, quirky, loud, the "old man". My first baby, my soul-dog.
Admittedly, I am not so concerned with discovering who I am as simply being who I am. I do enjoy the occasional attempt at classification though. So there it is, here I am. A post for those who might be wondering.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Inspiration, a fickle beast

Sometimes I feel like I'm just bubbling over with creativity, ideas swim through my head, distracting me from everything else. All I want to do is to grab some paint and GO! In lecture, I'm constantly doodling, wishing for paint instead of pens, canvas instead of lined paper. It's such a downer when I can't actually create something, when life just gets in the way and there's nothing to be done but hope those ideas stay locked up safe, ready to be used when I get my hands on some free time.
But I feel like its even more of a downer when I've got the time, and the desire, but the inspiration is just blocked, dammed up somewhere or just gone altogether. I just started a rather large acrylic painting on canvas, and while it's still too early to judge, I'm scared its going nowhere. I'll just have to challenge myself and take my time with it. It'll be a process as I don't have endless time right now...
Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have something to show for it.
Wish me luck!

Monday, February 20, 2012


I had a good weekend, volunteered twice (didn't do much at either of them, but it feels good to volunteer nonetheless, if only to complete some hour requirements), hung out with Doom and my friend Chickadee and her boyfriend (Doom's roommate) and studied for my genetics exam. The apartment is pretty cool, they seem to be taking care of it and they all get along so what else could I ask for? It's fun to feel like adults, as silly as I feel saying it (hey, I've never moved out and I may be naive but I'm not a dweeb!)
I've got a plan formulating in my head about some art for their apartment, but I gotta find the time and canvas and paint for it!
In other news, my birthday is next weekend, we'll see how that goes! Should be interesting due to some undertones of friend-circle-drama, but I think it'll go well.
So here are some recent pictures, cause I hate to leave ya with nothing.
Taken after leaving campus, post-volunteering.

Volunteering with the ponies, always feels good, although I've forced myself to admit that I am allergic to them.

There's a bunny at the horse place, it makes me want one. :<

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Varian the Canid

He does not know why he is here.
                                                or who he wants to be.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


My day was decent, came home, ate dinner, then went to my room to find my poor goldfish stuck to the filter. That means one thing: it was dying. It didn't have the strength to swim away, and it had ended up stuck to the filter. The instant I saw, I felt bad. After some analyzing, I realized there was no way to save it. When I put it in a smaller container where it couldn't get caught in the plants, it just hung upside down in the water, gills still moving, but otherwise the fish was... still.  I helped the fishy pass on. It made me feel horrible, staring at it's lifeless body, it's eyes staring like they did, just like when it was alive.
I thought Doom might think me silly, with his joking insensitivity to my melodramatic ways, but he understood how I felt. How strange, I thought, remembering the cat that died, whose heart I saw pulled out of its chest, and how I hadn't felt sad, yet for this fish I felt something. It's different when you're the one who cared for it. I had saved this fish from death before, yet could not save it now. Aaah, death and learning. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Feral Hearts

Another feral cat clinic came and went, and I had a pretty good time at this one. I was at the male cat prep area again, scrubbing the genitals for surgery. It was interesting seeing the pile of testicles grow as the morning went on! One of the cats died at this clinic, unfortunately. They called 'code' and all the vet techs and some of the doctors rushed over to try and resuscitate it, but the cat didn't make it. He was a black long-haired cat. After all the cats were finished, one of the doctors did an autopsy on him and I got to watch, turns out the cat had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM). The doctor noted the lungs being in bad condition, and he cut the heart up and we could see how thick the heart walls were. As tragic as this was, and as sad as it is to see the condition of a lot of cats that go through their (scarred up, upper respiratory infections, one was even missing a limb! Another was missing a tail, some had open sores, etc.) this clinic is the only care they will likely ever see in their lifetimes. And I think it's a great cause to try to curb feral cat overpopulation, because there aren't enough homes for these animals, and if they continue to breed they will only cause more unnecessary deaths.
My task: Scrubbing and spraying the male cats!

Stack of unconscious kitties, waiting to be prepped!

I thought it was so weird their eyes stay open when they're anesthetized!

Cuddle time?

He was given medicine for his eyes.

Getting shaved!
And good news: I'm getting my camera back soon from the repair shop! :D

Sunday, February 5, 2012


There's been some changes in my little desert world-- Doom has got an apartment with a couple other roommates, one of which is my friend's boyfriend! My friend, Chickadee, and I helped with the move, getting stuff in and organized, and making sure they didn't forget anything. It was expensive for 3 guys not even halfway into their 20's, but I'm really proud of Doom and all of them for getting it done. Doom really needed to move out, his family situation had been awful since his parents split up a year ago, and it was time for him to get away and start on his own.
My room and my 2 dogs
I wish I could move out sometimes, but because of my dogs I wouldn't be able to, at least while I'm still in this crowded desert. But, I can't complain, though my house is far from school, I love my room and family. I've already got a plan for my future, I know I'll be moving out hopefully in a few years if I get that highly-anticipated letter of acceptance from a veterinary college, but for now, life is good. I'll miss Doom being close, but we're both used to driving a lot.
So hoorah for progress, and growing up, and, (dare I say it?), being in love!