Monday, March 19, 2012


I've let myself down, and I'm left feeling hollow and tired. It's always followed by panic, and fear, and self-loathing. I can't lose sight of my goal, I can't be tempted by distractions and procrastination. I learn this lesson over and over and over again, sometimes I fear I'll always make the same mistakes. Each semester seems to have a pitfall, where I somehow end up lost and behind where I need to be. I've hit this semesters pitfall. If I can come back from this, I will, I promise myself that I have to try. Reality is sweeping down on me like a backhand, soon I will be on my own, and then there isn't that safety net to fall back on. I feel like a child, and the giants of the world, the achievers and dreamers and sprinters, are rushing towards the gates that I want so desperately to enter. Breathe, I can do this. Breathe, I can bounce back. Breathe, because worrying won't lift me up the way hard work will.
Staring at the statistics and the requirements I have to reach- or surpass- makes me feel like I'm leaping through rings of fire, hoping not to get burned. I never thought of myself as really smart, or overachieving, and suddenly I have to be those things, and more. But I tell myself I'll do whatever it takes, no matter how scary.
So I flubbed a few organic chemistry exams, all I can do now is to learn and move on. I admit it: I stopped taking the challenges seriously, but I won't do it again.
Since I'm currently running on 3 hours of sleep, I will now go and finish up my homework so I can take a nice nap come back, hopefully feeling less down about it all.

1 comment:

  1. You may not be generally hardworking, but you've always worked hard for things that you want. I know you can do it. Nobody can ask you to do more than your best, and your best IS good enough. Worst case scenario is what? You get delayed in going to vet school and have to work a cruddy job for a year or two more? You can come live with me anytime, I'll always have your back. :)