I've let myself down, and I'm left feeling hollow and tired. It's always followed by panic, and fear, and self-loathing. I can't lose sight of my goal, I can't be tempted by distractions and procrastination. I learn this lesson over and over and over again, sometimes I fear I'll always make the same mistakes. Each semester seems to have a pitfall, where I somehow end up lost and behind where I need to be. I've hit this semesters pitfall. If I can come back from this, I will, I promise myself that I have to try. Reality is sweeping down on me like a backhand, soon I will be on my own, and then there isn't that safety net to fall back on. I feel like a child, and the giants of the world, the achievers and dreamers and sprinters, are rushing towards the gates that I want so desperately to enter. Breathe, I can do this. Breathe, I can bounce back. Breathe, because worrying won't lift me up the way hard work will.
Staring at the statistics and the requirements I have to reach- or surpass- makes me feel like I'm leaping through rings of fire, hoping not to get burned. I never thought of myself as really smart, or overachieving, and suddenly I have to be those things, and more. But I tell myself I'll do whatever it takes, no matter how scary.
So I flubbed a few organic chemistry exams, all I can do now is to learn and move on. I admit it: I stopped taking the challenges seriously, but I won't do it again.
Since I'm currently running on 3 hours of sleep, I will now go and finish up my homework so I can take a nice nap come back, hopefully feeling less down about it all.