Thursday, October 20, 2011

Feeling like I have no release...

Feelin' like a freak on a leash...
I'm learning balance, and sacrifice. Learning to be stretched and pulled in a million different directions. While I look to one aspect, five others scream for attention.
You wanna see the light?
I'm not suffering, don't mistake this as a cry of agony. I fought the pulling at first, but I learned. Go with it, get ahead of the wave, if possible. I don't suffer.
Feelin' like I have no release...
But others are, Feivel & Titus, constant companions, taken for granted? The danger is real. And those closest to me, they see what I do, some even are in the same boat, but we're all alone. How deep will my sacrifice run? I suppose I'm still in the shock of it all, inoculated into a new medium, trying to get my bearings. I can't wait for the day I won't have to struggle, catch my breath and fall into it again. Floating is nice, flying is better.
So do I...
Though Doom(boyfriend) is always there for me. Even though he might not be able to see how deep into it I am. A small comfort, shadowed by guilt for never being home, for hardly being able to pause for a movie.
How many times have I felt diseased?
Focus, focus. How can I be sure of a positive outcome? The ability to enjoy everything now, despite the difficulty. Feel the light. Its okay. Learn, trip, fall, get up, etc., etc.
You wanna see the light?
I can't paint, I can hardly read for fun. My free time is spent in the library, my sleep is limited. I'm never home. I feel guilty for never. just. chilling. But I shouldn't. And that's okay. 
Nothing in my life is free, is free.

This is just a random rant regurgitation of thoughts, the italicized lyrics are from Korn's "Freak on a leash". I'll admit, I'm emotional. It helps. If this is all I can do to find release, so be it. These are all my deepest worries right now, and normally I try not to think about them. Releeease. It was most likely spurred by the fact that now I've started to do other things in addition to just school, volunteering and clubs. It eats up so much time. I have to adjust. This is adjustment. Sorry if these thoughts are scattered, I'm scattered lately. I'll pick up the pieces soon enough.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean, for so long I haven't been able to find the time for anything. Today for the first time in what, three or four months? I just began a new painting. I mostly feel guilt over the dogs though. Predictable. :)