Study Break

I'm taking a quick study break to upload some doodles from my notebooks! I'm ALWAYS doodling in class. It's almost a problem, but I've learned over the years to control my doodling while still paying attention. Normally my doodles are ugly, or just boring, but sometimes I go a little crazy with them.

So here are a few, for your viewing pleasure.

I'm used to getting odd looks by now. Har har!

Thems the facts

I'm sitting here, pouring over Organic chemistry notes and trying to sort this mess out in my head, and I constantly feel like I'm getting nowhere. Organic chemistry is hard. I mean, thems just the facts. The sad thing is that its actually a pretty neat subject. I just struggle with it so much I can't really appreciate fully how cool it is. I mean, making molecules out of other molecules? How neat! If there's one thing I can say that I've learned from college thus far, it's that I will forever appreciate my science classes! They are such a relief... general classes SUCK. Its not that I've got blinders on as far as the importance of other subjects, but they are so frustrating, I thought I left busy-work and group projects behind in high school.
When sitting in a science class, its like I can feel the spirit of discovery. I can see how the material is important, and I have this silly idea that science will save the world. Not specifically the an invention to cure humanity's imperfections, but the spirit of knowledge and the scientific method, an approach to the universe that we must also apply to ourselves. Science may not be perfect, but the fact that it recognizes its own perfections says something to me. Humans are too proud, science has no pride. It has only desire for knowledge; I find this something worth striving for. 

...I want to prove to myself that I can do this, I want to feel comfortable for a semester in my abilities and will power. I just have to keep wanting this, and I'll get there someway, somehow. Organic chemistry can try, but I'll do my damnedest not to let it destroy me.

The beginning of something that I hope will become... something.

I started writing a story a little while ago, this time I developed the idea a little differently. At first I started writing about a dream I had, then I tried to morph that into a story but it became difficult. Then I wrote a back story, which I then thought fit into a different story, so I outlined the new story and started writing. I've tried to write stories before and get bored/frustrated, partially because I'm too much of a perfectionist when I write. My friend and creative ally, Blogadog, can attest to this! >~<
This time around, I'm recognizing my own perfectionism and trying to plow forward, while also trying to use my intuition to pick out helpful critique from my hyper critical mind. Doom isn't much helpful in this process, I can't tell if he thinks my story is too weird or just too undeveloped to judge. I'll feel better about it once it picks up some momentum, right now I'm just starting to write it. Writing, along with doodling/drawing helps me release some built up brain tension! This semester might just kill me, but atleast I'll leave behind some interesting shit to read and look at! Har har har.

"The old woman’s eyes swept slowly across the landscape outside of the round windows, the sky was black except for when an arm of lightning would reach down from the sky, quicker than a hawk’s talon. She closed her eyes and tried to feel the magic, but it wasn’t like when she was a girl. In those days, magic seemed to pour right out of the land, like snow falling in reverse."

A Predicament of Pigeons

Doom and I drove to a video game store today, and in the parking lot there was easily fifty pigeons, just chillin' out. Before we went and parked we stopped near the pigeons, just looking at them and talking about how cute they were. They flew over us a couple times and landed again near the same spot, it was really neat.
Then, a little green car drove straight through the pigeons, forcing them to fly away out of the way. Its not like that was the only way to get to any of the stores either, in fact that section of the parking lot was rather out of the way. And they were speeding through. Their intentions were clear: fuck with the pigeons. Doo and I thought they were the biggest scumbags on earth at that moment.
After that, we went into the video game store and started browsing, we kinda forgot about what had happened but then we heard loud shouting. A lady had come into the store and was screaming at some teenagers, "DON'T YOU KNOW ITS ILLEGAL TO CHASE PIGEONS! ITS ILLEGAL TO ALTER THEIR FLIGHT PATH!" I'm paraphrasing-- it was difficult to hear exactly what she was saying because she was screeching at these teenagers. But that was the gist of it. I'm guessing those teenagers are the ones in the green car.
The lady left (after the store employees yelled at her to leave), the kids left and came back, snorting and saying, "FUCK, its just pigeons!"
AND there is the cause for this post. After discussing what we had witnessed, Doo and I realized that the problem with the situation was that the older lady was clearly some kind of crazy activist who just snapped when she saw the kids fucking with the pigeons, and that because of the way she handled the situation (aggressively, loudly, with no attempt at REAL communication) she caused the teenagers to become defensive, which means they are more likely to disregard animals as they had before, if not more, and continue their bird-chasing and other scumbag activities they may participate in. The kids were clearly just losers who disregarded animals in the first place, but now there is a rift in the situation pushing both sides to either extreme, and the situation remains unresolved.

...so easily

Not sure how to feel, when I feel like I try my hardest, but its not enough. Life does that, sometimes. Its like its screaming, "Why don't you die?" But I hang on, attached by fraying threads and rusting chains, resilient. "Keep on trying, I'm not dying so easily." There's no room for being upset, there is only room in my life for more effort.
Its not all difficult things that have happened recently, I attended a fantastic presentation by a veterinarian who teaches at one of the top veterinary colleges. He talked mostly about the veterinary profession, (history, future, etc.) and it was rather inspiring. And then I went to dinner with him, and a bunch of other of the pre-vet students. Just talking to him and all the students who are in the same boat that I'm in was a fantastically cleansing experience. I feel alive. "I will not die."
And earlier in the week, I saw an island veterinary school present, and, at the very least, it showed me a future.
And I dreamed about riding a gray mare. It was strange, like all dreams are, but beautiful.
And at the moment, it is cold and raining in this lonely desert I live in, and this makes me happy. <3

All bolded words in quotations are lyrics from System by Korn.Quite liking their songs. :)

Feeling like I have no release...

Feelin' like a freak on a leash...

I'm learning balance, and sacrifice. Learning to be stretched and pulled in a million different directions. While I look to one aspect, five others scream for attention.

You wanna see the light?

I'm not suffering, don't mistake this as a cry of agony. I fought the pulling at first, but I learned. Go with it, get ahead of the wave, if possible. I don't suffer.

Feelin' like I have no release...

But others are, Feivel & Titus, constant companions, taken for granted? The danger is real. And those closest to me, they see what I do, some even are in the same boat, but we're all alone. How deep will my sacrifice run? I suppose I'm still in the shock of it all, inoculated into a new medium, trying to get my bearings. I can't wait for the day I won't have to struggle, catch my breath and fall into it again. Floating is nice, flying is better.

So do I...

Though Doom(boyfriend) is always there for me. Even though he might not be able to see how deep into it I am. A small comfort, shadowed by guilt for never being home, for hardly being able to pause for a movie.

How many times have I felt diseased?

Focus, focus. How can I be sure of a positive outcome? The ability to enjoy everything now, despite the difficulty. Feel the light. Its okay. Learn, trip, fall, get up, etc., etc.

You wanna see the light?

I can't paint, I can hardly read for fun. My free time is spent in the library, my sleep is limited. I'm never home. I feel guilty for never. just. chilling. But I shouldn't. And that's okay. 

Nothing in my life is free, is free.

This is just a random rant regurgitation of thoughts, the italicized lyrics are from Korn's "Freak on a leash". I'll admit, I'm emotional. It helps. If this is all I can do to find release, so be it. These are all my deepest worries right now, and normally I try not to think about them. Releeease. It was most likely spurred by the fact that now I've started to do other things in addition to just school, volunteering and clubs. It eats up so much time. I have to adjust. This is adjustment. Sorry if these thoughts are scattered, I'm scattered lately. I'll pick up the pieces soon enough.

Fear & Courage