Martinus

"He felt like he was pondering a million different thoughts as he ran through several samples; air, clothing, water…. The only thing they were missing was the magic. He began to think more and more about it as each sample proved inconclusive, just as Addie had found them to be, and all the lab assistants. He felt a shadow towering in a corner of his mind: the realization that it was no parasite, nor animalcule, nor toxin. Whatever it was didn’t behave like any traditional disease anybody had seen before. He wanted to run to the tall towers of Magic, but he remembered their previous failure in solving this. Clearly, it didn’t behave the way they had predicted either."

I'm just updating about my story that I blogged about awhile ago, and YES, I have actually been continuing it. It's actually really fun to write, not easy, mind you, but fun. So this is Martinus, a scientist type guy. Teehee. I even had to go about painting him! I usually suck at painting/drawing humans but this was a good experience.

Contemplative

This blog is just a collection of pictures of my dogs, my best friends. Animals mean more to me than most else in this world. I love their lack of humanity, their pureness, and innocence, and wildness. To me they act as mirrors, reflecting my flaws back onto myself, teaching me about progress and development, giving me chances to change. Without them, I would feel claustrophobic in this populated world of ours. Their reactions to their environments speak louder than words, for they are a product of this earth just as we are, I sometimes think we forget that.

Scuplting

I got some clay awhile back but I didn't have a chance to play with it until this winter break. I decided to sculpt my dogs, but when that became too daunting, I decided to sculpt my dog Titus' head. The process was... difficult. I don't sculpt often so its a challenge for me, also, getting individual features down on dogs is difficult! The clay was hard and difficult to work with.
Titus was recently shaved nekkid so he doesn't even look like a poodle really. Thusly, my sculpture looks like a lab. Ah, well. It was a learning experience.
 At least it is definitely canine! Now I can cross sculpting off my list of things I need to do this winter break. And hopefully I can do more of it!

Collaboration & Friendship

 

This post will be an update on some art, as well as a dedication to my friend, Blogadog.
We met in high school, had some classes together, and discovered a common love for dogs, then for animals as a whole, then for art! Too good to be true, eh? But then I moved to the desert, and she stayed in that northern prairie of hers. However, I introduced her to Flickr and then the art exchange truly began! Ever since then we've been sharing art and ideas together. We currently have an ongoing project of some shared characters. I started sending her snail mail letters cause I thought it would be fun, and it has been! It's a way to exchange art as well.
It's amazing having someone to share my artisitic side with. So, thank you Blogadog for being my friend for all these years.

Pondering

I volunteered at the feral cat clinic recently, and events like this always get me thinking about veterinary medicine; aspects of that career path, the difficulty of getting there, etc. Whilst scrubbing a couple hundred cat genitalia for surgery prep, I wondered if I wanted to focus on small animal medicine if/when I eventually get there. Volunteering at this clinic has given me the opportunity to observe a few surgeries and to get a feel of what it's like to work in this type of environment. The beauty of it is that I have years to decide on the specifics of my future, but it is something I enjoy thinking about.

Small animal medicine is definitely a consideration, but I do tend to lean towards the idea of large animal medicine, or a mixed practice type deal. I wouldn't mind living somewhere rural, and Doom says as long as he has internet he doesn't care (boys... ). There's something about cows, horses, pigs, etc. that just seems so... fascinating. 
When I used to work as a dog bather at a grooming salon I felt like it was similar to vet med in the sense that I took care of other people's animals and interacted directly with the owners. But it does seem a tad tame (especially after standing up and prepping cats for 5 hours straight). Also... owners of pets can be kinda crazy, and I know my people skills lack luster.

  Sometimes I dream about being a researcher or eventually teaching (which oft go hand-in-hand) since I do enjoy the science of it. Not sure if I'll ever get there, however I'll get to experience research as an undergrad eventually!
It seems just so diverse, even though I've narrowed my choice down to veterinary medicine, there is still so much I can do.


On a thread, I found an AMA from a first year veterinary student, so I asked a few questions. They were pretty helpful and interesting. Here's what I got from it:

• Schools want "well-rounded" individuals with "life-changing" experiences or accomplishments
•  Schools want you to be interested in all aspects of veterinary medicine, they don't want you to slot yourself into 'small-animal private practice' right out of undergrad
• There are 2-6 interviewers, typically 2-3 (how nerve-wracking!)
• apply to schools that genuinely work best for you, don't force yourself to be somewhere miserable if you can help it.
• personal statements on applications are important
• BE PASSIONATE!

I've learned a lot about this whole 'applying to veterinary school' thing from talking to my adviser and other pre-veterinary students at my school, but it's nice to talk to someone who's actually gotten there (even if it was just a couple of exchanged comments/replies)!
I'm still gathering up knowledge about this, and striving to improve myself as I go (character, academics, etc.)
Here's to pondering, 'cause it'll get you somewhere if you keep at it!

I survived Fall 2011

Haven't gotten all of my grades back yet obviously, but I know I got an A in microbiology so far. And that puts me in a good mood, because that was my favorite class this semester. Now that it's all said and done, I don't know what to do with myself! So I shall post some things, since I plan on being artsy this break! I've got some sculpey to play with, some paints that have been neglected and some parks that need hiking! I'll also be studying this break but I plan on keeping it stress-free (as much as possible).

A silly wolf

He needs a name, any suggestions? =3

Study Break

I'm taking a quick study break to upload some doodles from my notebooks! I'm ALWAYS doodling in class. It's almost a problem, but I've learned over the years to control my doodling while still paying attention. Normally my doodles are ugly, or just boring, but sometimes I go a little crazy with them.

So here are a few, for your viewing pleasure.

I'm used to getting odd looks by now. Har har!

Thems the facts

I'm sitting here, pouring over Organic chemistry notes and trying to sort this mess out in my head, and I constantly feel like I'm getting nowhere. Organic chemistry is hard. I mean, thems just the facts. The sad thing is that its actually a pretty neat subject. I just struggle with it so much I can't really appreciate fully how cool it is. I mean, making molecules out of other molecules? How neat! If there's one thing I can say that I've learned from college thus far, it's that I will forever appreciate my science classes! They are such a relief... general classes SUCK. Its not that I've got blinders on as far as the importance of other subjects, but they are so frustrating, I thought I left busy-work and group projects behind in high school.
When sitting in a science class, its like I can feel the spirit of discovery. I can see how the material is important, and I have this silly idea that science will save the world. Not specifically the an invention to cure humanity's imperfections, but the spirit of knowledge and the scientific method, an approach to the universe that we must also apply to ourselves. Science may not be perfect, but the fact that it recognizes its own perfections says something to me. Humans are too proud, science has no pride. It has only desire for knowledge; I find this something worth striving for. 

...I want to prove to myself that I can do this, I want to feel comfortable for a semester in my abilities and will power. I just have to keep wanting this, and I'll get there someway, somehow. Organic chemistry can try, but I'll do my damnedest not to let it destroy me.

The beginning of something that I hope will become... something.

I started writing a story a little while ago, this time I developed the idea a little differently. At first I started writing about a dream I had, then I tried to morph that into a story but it became difficult. Then I wrote a back story, which I then thought fit into a different story, so I outlined the new story and started writing. I've tried to write stories before and get bored/frustrated, partially because I'm too much of a perfectionist when I write. My friend and creative ally, Blogadog, can attest to this! >~<
This time around, I'm recognizing my own perfectionism and trying to plow forward, while also trying to use my intuition to pick out helpful critique from my hyper critical mind. Doom isn't much helpful in this process, I can't tell if he thinks my story is too weird or just too undeveloped to judge. I'll feel better about it once it picks up some momentum, right now I'm just starting to write it. Writing, along with doodling/drawing helps me release some built up brain tension! This semester might just kill me, but atleast I'll leave behind some interesting shit to read and look at! Har har har.

"The old woman’s eyes swept slowly across the landscape outside of the round windows, the sky was black except for when an arm of lightning would reach down from the sky, quicker than a hawk’s talon. She closed her eyes and tried to feel the magic, but it wasn’t like when she was a girl. In those days, magic seemed to pour right out of the land, like snow falling in reverse."

A Predicament of Pigeons

Doom and I drove to a video game store today, and in the parking lot there was easily fifty pigeons, just chillin' out. Before we went and parked we stopped near the pigeons, just looking at them and talking about how cute they were. They flew over us a couple times and landed again near the same spot, it was really neat.
Then, a little green car drove straight through the pigeons, forcing them to fly away out of the way. Its not like that was the only way to get to any of the stores either, in fact that section of the parking lot was rather out of the way. And they were speeding through. Their intentions were clear: fuck with the pigeons. Doo and I thought they were the biggest scumbags on earth at that moment.
After that, we went into the video game store and started browsing, we kinda forgot about what had happened but then we heard loud shouting. A lady had come into the store and was screaming at some teenagers, "DON'T YOU KNOW ITS ILLEGAL TO CHASE PIGEONS! ITS ILLEGAL TO ALTER THEIR FLIGHT PATH!" I'm paraphrasing-- it was difficult to hear exactly what she was saying because she was screeching at these teenagers. But that was the gist of it. I'm guessing those teenagers are the ones in the green car.
The lady left (after the store employees yelled at her to leave), the kids left and came back, snorting and saying, "FUCK, its just pigeons!"
AND there is the cause for this post. After discussing what we had witnessed, Doo and I realized that the problem with the situation was that the older lady was clearly some kind of crazy activist who just snapped when she saw the kids fucking with the pigeons, and that because of the way she handled the situation (aggressively, loudly, with no attempt at REAL communication) she caused the teenagers to become defensive, which means they are more likely to disregard animals as they had before, if not more, and continue their bird-chasing and other scumbag activities they may participate in. The kids were clearly just losers who disregarded animals in the first place, but now there is a rift in the situation pushing both sides to either extreme, and the situation remains unresolved.

...so easily

Not sure how to feel, when I feel like I try my hardest, but its not enough. Life does that, sometimes. Its like its screaming, "Why don't you die?" But I hang on, attached by fraying threads and rusting chains, resilient. "Keep on trying, I'm not dying so easily." There's no room for being upset, there is only room in my life for more effort.
Its not all difficult things that have happened recently, I attended a fantastic presentation by a veterinarian who teaches at one of the top veterinary colleges. He talked mostly about the veterinary profession, (history, future, etc.) and it was rather inspiring. And then I went to dinner with him, and a bunch of other of the pre-vet students. Just talking to him and all the students who are in the same boat that I'm in was a fantastically cleansing experience. I feel alive. "I will not die."
And earlier in the week, I saw an island veterinary school present, and, at the very least, it showed me a future.
And I dreamed about riding a gray mare. It was strange, like all dreams are, but beautiful.
And at the moment, it is cold and raining in this lonely desert I live in, and this makes me happy. <3

All bolded words in quotations are lyrics from System by Korn.Quite liking their songs. :)

Feeling like I have no release...

Feelin' like a freak on a leash...

I'm learning balance, and sacrifice. Learning to be stretched and pulled in a million different directions. While I look to one aspect, five others scream for attention.

You wanna see the light?

I'm not suffering, don't mistake this as a cry of agony. I fought the pulling at first, but I learned. Go with it, get ahead of the wave, if possible. I don't suffer.

Feelin' like I have no release...

But others are, Feivel & Titus, constant companions, taken for granted? The danger is real. And those closest to me, they see what I do, some even are in the same boat, but we're all alone. How deep will my sacrifice run? I suppose I'm still in the shock of it all, inoculated into a new medium, trying to get my bearings. I can't wait for the day I won't have to struggle, catch my breath and fall into it again. Floating is nice, flying is better.

So do I...

Though Doom(boyfriend) is always there for me. Even though he might not be able to see how deep into it I am. A small comfort, shadowed by guilt for never being home, for hardly being able to pause for a movie.

How many times have I felt diseased?

Focus, focus. How can I be sure of a positive outcome? The ability to enjoy everything now, despite the difficulty. Feel the light. Its okay. Learn, trip, fall, get up, etc., etc.

You wanna see the light?

I can't paint, I can hardly read for fun. My free time is spent in the library, my sleep is limited. I'm never home. I feel guilty for never. just. chilling. But I shouldn't. And that's okay. 

Nothing in my life is free, is free.

This is just a random rant regurgitation of thoughts, the italicized lyrics are from Korn's "Freak on a leash". I'll admit, I'm emotional. It helps. If this is all I can do to find release, so be it. These are all my deepest worries right now, and normally I try not to think about them. Releeease. It was most likely spurred by the fact that now I've started to do other things in addition to just school, volunteering and clubs. It eats up so much time. I have to adjust. This is adjustment. Sorry if these thoughts are scattered, I'm scattered lately. I'll pick up the pieces soon enough.

Fear & Courage

Dreams, Nightmares and Screaming

Dreaming of organic chemistry isn't fun. But it happened. That's how I know shits getting serious. It's almost nightmare-esque, the way the mechanisms didn't make sense, the way I couldn't figure them out. Try, try again.

On a lighter note: Fright Dome. Was. Awesome. Screamed my freaking throat out. Getting chased by monsters with chainsaws? Absolutely terrifying, but man was it fun. I love halloween. =3 Didn't ride the rides, but I went to 3 of the haunted houses. My boyfriend did the haunted houses and the rides. I was proud of him. >~<

So what's scarier, organic chemistry or zombies?

That (guilty)(elated) Feeling

I just found out I got over 100 percent on my first microbiology exam. And its so strange, how scared we are in college to be happy about such things. As if we're superstitious that the demons might come to snatch our achievements away. How fragile are our grades, if we celebrate them? I love biology, and I'm happy. How strange, suppressed elation...

Enlightenment in the Dark

Late one night(I'm talking 2 AM), during a rather intense study session, my boyfriend and I took a food break and then turned on the science channel. A space show was on. We love space shows. Then we started thinking about the world, space, and then the universe. It hit me that you can't just google the cause of everything, not just life, but beyond everything. "What created the universe?" we thought. Or rather, "What caused everything to exist? If something created it, what created that thing?" We thought so hard, I felt like my brain couldn't handle it. The knowledge of how small we are hit us pretty hard. But that just means that there are bigger things out there. And personally, I'd rather be in an open system with infinite possibility than in a closed one, like a fish in a bowl.

How beautiful, it is.

Landslide [optimism on drowning in science]

Organic molecules swirl through my mind, random facts about bacteria haunt me and the seemingly unconquerable wall of the french language barrier looms before me.

I've been afraid of changing...

Throughout this, I can't help but love being immersed in this stuff. Its not what I've dreamed of, simply because of the fact that there was no way I could see this coming.

... cause I've built my life around you.

I cannot join those who hate all the tedious difficult classes they must trudge through to be a doctor. I want to enjoy these classes, there's more to the world than a doctorate. Life is before you. Open  your eyes.

But time makes you bolder...

There are tiny  tiny little beating cilia and an alien organic world just beneath our noses. Beautiful resonance, blending of 2 souls, elegant ring flips and functional groups like little badges on molecules. Life overflowing in a petri dish, little miracles swimming in growth medium.

...even children get older. I'm getting older too.

So, despite my naturally begrudging nature and crumply complaints and whining sighs, know that I'm doing what I want. Despite everything, I'm bubbling like an overflowing beaker with enthusiasm.

I took my love, I took it down. I climbed a mountain, I turned around.

Science opened my eyes. Undergraduate, here I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KdxnezaW5Y

[lyrics from the song I linked above ^^. It is beautiful, listen to it, I like his voice. Also: this is just something for me to throw my thoughts down, as I'm having a hard time organizing them in my head.]

Metallic Pens

bought at Walmart. They iz addicting. :) As are ATC's. Thus:

Now, obviously they look much cooler in real life since the pens are METALLIC, but I still like them, and thought they were worth uploading. :) They are great de-stressers for the start of the semester,

Memories from my Vacation

The open road...

I was so excited when my boyfriend and I set off, the desert in our rear view. The stress of my last class behind me, just the open road with him. I was squeeing and bouncing and excited. It had been a long time since I'd been on a road trip, and never on my own like this.
My boyfriend was excited to show me the town he'd grown up in as a child. Small town, quaint, but still it reminded me of where I had grown up, just a few states away.
Once we had taken care of the original reason for the trip, a hospital visit for my boyfriend, we were free for the rest of the trip, it seemed.
On the way up to meet my friend, Blogadog, for camping, there was a massive downpour, my windshield wipers barely kept up. Nature. There simply wasn't nature quite like that where I live. 
Then we met Blogadog. :) I hadn't seen her in ages! We also got to meet her adorable pup, Balfour.

Boyfriend meets friend's dog, Balfour.

 Camping was magnificent. The forest was gorgeous. The mosquitoes were annoying, but I remember the beauty of the landscape more than the bugs.

There was a lightning storm the last night. Terrifying, constant flashing and loud booming thunder. Obviously I couldn't see outside the tent, but I didn't have too. The thin walls of the tent lit up brightly, it was like it was vibrating with light. I felt like I was inside a flickering bulb. I was scared, I was in awe, I knew I wouldn't forget that storm. I had to pee. That was problematic, as the lightning sounded close. After that mess was sorted out, we fell asleep to rain and the occasional rumble. Perfection. (Though our tent and a lot of what was inside it did get soaked.)

This was taken earlier that night before the storm, at the lake.

It wasn't all woods and hiking though, we also drove into town to get supplies, and listened to James Herriot in my friends car. We got ice cream, and burgers, and fries. We tried our hand at cooking in the woods. Good times.
Next campsite, uneventful [unless you count watching a TV show on my laptop in a crowded campsite and feeling utterly embarrassed about a random awkward scene that played loudly with tons of people milling around us.] Then on to nostalgiaville. We visited the town where my friend currently lives, the town I used to live in (or near). Met some family, met new people. Hiked some more. Ate Chinese food. Yum. Showed the boyfriend my old house.

Then, we left for home. Exhausted. But, the trip was fantastic. I won't forget it. It was good to get out of this desert for awhile. A change of scenery is good for the soul.
Admittedly, I cried when the dusty city lights of home came to view on our return. I don't know why, it didn't make sense to me then nor does it make sense to me now. I was tired, but it was something else to. Fear that I would get stuck in the desert? Perhaps.
But the trip was good for the soul. Good for the creativity of the mind.

My leetle sick fish, & other stories of healing

I haven't written about myself yet, but I love animals. Now that that intro is out of the way, I can move on to tell some stories. I've had goldfish for a couple of years now, and of course, as is true with all living things, sometimes they get sick, and sometimes you can save them and sometimes they're gone before you know what happened. I have two goldfish currently, a nameless one and one named after my boyfriend. Boyfriend shall be referred to as Doom. Doom picked him out when we got him. Well my other (nameless) fish seems to be immune to fungal infections but this fish has been infected twice! Once a few months ago, and the second time happened when I came home from school today. It's rather alarming to peek into your fish tank to see a fishy covered in fuzzy white stuff.
Well, the first time it happened I ran to a pet store and searched for fish medicine, and though the cost of the medicine was about 10 times the worth of the fish, I decided to do it anyways. How can I flush a fish that has a good chance of healing with good conscience?

 [My small fish tank with boyfriend's fish and the other fishy. It's green because of the antifungal medication.]

Eventually fishy healed and my tank rode a healthy equilibrium for a few months.
Now I've put more medicine in the tank and I'm sure fishy will heal again, but I mention this story just because its always a little adventure for me to try and save animals. I hope in the future I will make a career out of that, so for now, I do what I can.
This isn't the only time I've helped my animals, there was another gold fish I bought a long time ago, and a week after bringing it home I found a weird growth/parasite on its side! (needless to say I won't get fish from that place again!) I was pretty creeped out, but after doing my research I discovered it was an anchor worm. I read up on how to take care of that too, and after removing it, that fishy healed just fine. 
Perhaps fish medicine is boring to all of you, so I'll mention what I've seen working as a bather and how I got to see some horrific cases of sick dogs. There have been ticks(rare where I live), horrific ear infections, open sores, dogs with nails that had grown so long that the dogs bones had broken from walking on them, dogs covered in warts(mostly hard to look at), sores on puppies from shock collars, a dog with a UTI that pissed on herself constantly, really bad allergies and dogs with teeth rotted to the gums whose breath could knock out a parade. Many of the owners knew about their dogs health issues and were treating them, but sometimes we had to give them stern advisement to take them in to see a veterinarian. There was nothing I could do working as a mere bather in a grooming salon to help these dogs, other than to give the dogs a good bath and answer their owners questions. But I did try to make the dogs as comfortable as possible.
I know I'm very silly, since I'm just a college kid studying biology, but I do find joy from these simple little gestures towards animals. 

 

[Random, healthy, adorable bulldog puppy from when I used to bathe dogs.]

Meurig, Umut and Kaiser

Kaiser is a jackalope.

Still kinda working on his story, I'm hoping the characters will develop their own personalities and traits as I do more with them, i.e. writing/drawing, etc.
However, it can be said for the most part that he basically plays a leadership-type role.

Meurig is an owl-cat gryphon. He has the face of an owl, the body of a cat, front claws and back paws, as well as wings.
Again, still working on the story but I do know that Meurig used to be 'morally questionable'... aka 'evil', of all the characters.For some reason, he had a change of heart.

Umut is a large, blind badger.

The Disconnect

And there I stood.

I wish I could call it a precipice,

Which fell into an engulfing abyss of misty blue infinity,

Which separated two distant destinies,

One of me, and one of you.

Whose distance could seem frightening,

Yet whose elegant vastness seemed to give it a purpose,

A purpose that gave me comfort in the disconnect.

As if it was only a tragic fate carved of holy light and starry marble.

But in truth, I stood on a sidewalk curb,

After our final parting,

Wondering where the hell I was.

And bracing against the pain of missing you.

Art and Poem by me. Just a sad tale, really.

The Life of Tibby The Goldfish

A prison, here I am.

Never thought (I would get here)? 

Or just never thought(this was all there was)?

No, just never thought beyond the glass.

Company divides the cell between us.

But everything is just reactions.

Around and around in circles we go,

Thinking maybe one thing,

Thinking maybe something,

But in all of entirety there is us,

And that is nothing.

A place, simply, here I am.