Fear Itself

I have realized recently, that I have a fear of death. Not for myself really, but for the people around me. The more I care for someone, the more I seem to think about the worst possible ways to lose them. It makes me clingy sometimes, it makes me sad, and it really is just unhealthy. The topic of death does not scare me-- when it is about something far removed from me. Stories of the atrocities that exist in this world don't illicit an emotional response from me, however up close and personal, I can see the details and they scare me. Those eyes that stare into nothing and yet pierce through me simultaneously, the unnatural contortions and the lost consciousness... Where does it fade, as the chemicals stray from their normal routes and the beating mechanics stop? Is there a fine line, a last thought granted, or is it a gradient of unawareness? It makes me feel insurmountably weak when I think of coping with the loss of a loved one (my beloved dogs, for example). People deal with loss all of the time, and yet I fear it so greatly that I continuously push it to the back of my mind, I refuse to think about it. And yet it is still there, lurking in the shadows of my mind and there is no way to just get rid of it. Its just another way I bottle up my emotions, and the weight of these hidden emotions are crushing. As overused as this quote may be, I find it fitting at the moment: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."- FDR
To put it simply, I must not fear, especially because of my interest in veterinary medicine. Those in that career deal with tragedy on a daily basis. I must clarify, of course, that I do not think of myself as weak for having emotions and caring about the longevity of the animals and humans around me, I just think that I must learn a new way to deal with my emotions so that I may not be weak in the future. I should really learn from my dogs, and Doom, and learn not to worry about what could happen, and instead enjoy what I have. (Like spring break!)

Death is just an inevitability, a recycling back into the universe which birthed us, from womb to earth to molten hot star.  There, not so scary now, is it?

Silly Me & New Responsibility

Well, after my rather depressing post a few days ago, I found out that I did not actually flub my organic chemistry exam. In fact, I did pretty alright. I feel kind of silly now, but I'm also exceedingly grateful that things turned out the way they did. There is a sour note to the outcome though, and that is that my friend did not do as well, and we had studied together quite a bit. It just makes it seem unfair, but that's ochem for ya.
Recently I became secretary of a small pre-veterinary club I'm in at school, and I now have quite a few responsibilities already! Its new and therefore kind of scary, but the group is small and very supportive so I'm excited for working with these people who share my goals and dreams! It does appear though that I will be working a fundraiser the entire time, from like 9:30am~4:00pm which sounds exhausting but hopefully will be good for me and the club.
So, as I'd hoped, things are moving forward!

A Calm Bit of Thinking

I met with my pre-professional adviser yesterday, he's kind of intimidating since he's very to-the-point, but I'm glad I met with him. Questions have been swirling around my head and I was beginning to doubt too much and to over-think my abilities and my situation. I'm going to shadow a veterinarian next fall and spring, if everything goes well. I'm excited, and nervous, and I hope everything works out. I've heard from a few of my fellow pre-vetters that it can be difficult to find a veterinarian to shadow, and I'm not sure why, I mean every prospective veterinary student has to get experience, and every veterinarian was once in our shoes. I just hope they give me a chance. Next summer I will try and do research, which I'm excited about but also nervous cause that's another thing that is potentially difficult to get into. One of my friends found it easy to get into a lab, and yet another one had quite a difficult time of it!
I was worried about my GPA, and I suppose I still am, but my adviser just told me that it was useless to worry about what was already done. I can still work hard in my current and future classes. I know I'm not completely dead in the water, but to just assume it will be easy is silly to me, so I have to put in my best. Always my best. I know I'll stumble, but I can always say I tried.
I was considering the possibility of taking another year to complete my undergraduate, but it isn't necessary, though its still an option. I need to talk to Doom, and my family, and really consider all the changes that will soon come into my life.
So, I'll soon be wrapping up this spring semester and diving into summer. I'll need to conquer this city and prepare myself and and live and learn and keep moving forward!

Down

I've let myself down, and I'm left feeling hollow and tired. It's always followed by panic, and fear, and self-loathing. I can't lose sight of my goal, I can't be tempted by distractions and procrastination. I learn this lesson over and over and over again, sometimes I fear I'll always make the same mistakes. Each semester seems to have a pitfall, where I somehow end up lost and behind where I need to be. I've hit this semesters pitfall. If I can come back from this, I will, I promise myself that I have to try. Reality is sweeping down on me like a backhand, soon I will be on my own, and then there isn't that safety net to fall back on. I feel like a child, and the giants of the world, the achievers and dreamers and sprinters, are rushing towards the gates that I want so desperately to enter. Breathe, I can do this. Breathe, I can bounce back. Breathe, because worrying won't lift me up the way hard work will.
Staring at the statistics and the requirements I have to reach- or surpass- makes me feel like I'm leaping through rings of fire, hoping not to get burned. I never thought of myself as really smart, or overachieving, and suddenly I have to be those things, and more. But I tell myself I'll do whatever it takes, no matter how scary.
So I flubbed a few organic chemistry exams, all I can do now is to learn and move on. I admit it: I stopped taking the challenges seriously, but I won't do it again.
Since I'm currently running on 3 hours of sleep, I will now go and finish up my homework so I can take a nice nap come back, hopefully feeling less down about it all.

Varian leaves a piece of youth

Sketch/drawing of Varian, because I love "Tonight, tonight" by the Smashing Pumpkins and because studying is... stressful.

Blah Days...

The semesters in full swing, and I wish I had more to report. The first round of tests went okay, though admittedly organic chemistry seems to be chipping away at my soul. I didn't do as well as I should have on the first exam, and it seems overall this semester that I'm just tired of it. I worried constantly over the first part of this class last semester, and now all I can think about is how I want it to be done, to be over. I shouldn't complain of course, this is just another hurdle in my tumultuous journey, and if I want the outcome badly enough I should press on. I can get through this semester, I know it, I just have to stay focused. Summer term will come shortly, and I'll be taking difficult classes again, math, and 1st and 2nd physics. It won't be easy, cause math has always been my bane. But I generally look forward to new semesters and terms, so, I'm hoping for the best! Worrying won't get you very far anyway.

Hopefully Princess Catalystia will cheer me on the rest of this semester!

On another note, remember my new years resolutions? Well I'm slowly but surely working on them. Doom and I started saving money, just in case we wanted to plan a trip or anything after my summer classes (or in case of emergencies),  I've been trying to spend more time with my doggies (which also ties into my exercise goal!), as mentioned above I've been trying to do well in school, aaaand I've been trying to eat healthier and exercise. ^___^ So there ya have it, a little update to remind myself that I just gotta keep on going!